This guy decided he would save a few bucks by cutting a Christmas tree on someone's lot, he had just found the tree he wanted when he heard a truck pull up. He looked down to see the guy watching him, he hid the chainsaw and came out to his car, pretending to pull up his fly, pretending he was just releiving himself, waving to the guy in the truck. An hour later he snuck back when the coast was clear again. You guessed it, no chainsaw!

A retired game warden here in Nova Scotia told me a few great true tales.

One time they had set up the decoy deer down off a highway and he and his buddy hid down over the other side of the highway. Picture this: Along came a car, they spotted the deer and stopped, he told his wife to sit still, don't put the window down and be quiet. He went to the back of the car ,opened the trunk, got out his rifle and loaded it, meanwhile the warden came up out of the other ditch, warned the wife by putting his finger in front of his lips to be quiet, snuck up alongside the car, and just as the poacher , hidden behind the open trunk, pulled the trigger, the warden tapped him on the shoulder, gently taking the rifle and telling him he was under arrest.

They also have a decoy partridge, These two young fellows stopped for it one day, they got out and shot, when they realized it was the decoy, they commenced to beat it with a hockey stick from their trunk. When the wardens drove up, they charged them with hunting out of season, and willfully destroying government property.

These friends that own a hunting camp say Brent always hunts in never, never land, he usually gets a heavy buck and they say he should never have gone that far hunting , and he should never have shot a deer while there. Never, never land!

This woman just finished having sex with her neighbour when the phone rings. She answers,
" Yeh, sure, I'm Okay, glad to hear it, the kids are fine, don't worry about me!"
The man says, who was that? She says, " It was just my husband, he was telling me what a great time he was having ,fishing, with you!

A Cape Bretoner said to his buddy,"If I was to go to bed with your wife while you're away huntin , would that make us related?" No!, his buddy said, " But it would make us even!"

This minister was hunting with three of his parishoners, a deer was in the clearing and they all blasted away at it. Afterwards, there was a discussion about whose shot actually downed the deer and who should tag it. Just then the game wardens came by and the hunters asked them to try and solve the question. The wardens had a look at the deer and came to the determination that the minister had shot the deer. How did you ascertain that they asked?
" The bullet went in one ear and out the other!"

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat they are eating, but they will give them clues and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their Dad for another clue. "Well," he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes!" The little girl says.... "Ecch, don't eat it, it's asshole!"

The person who sent me this is the very first contributor to my collection since it's inception. You might have guessed, yes, she's a vegetarian or vegan or vatever, I do know she eats vish!

Bill and his buddy took the local Mountie hunting and fishing often. One Friday in February Month after returning from fishing for trout through the ice, the Mountie was in the lead on his snowmobile when Bill spotted a moose and calf. They let the Mountie go on home and they went back and shot the calf. They gutted it and hung it,(no coyotes then) and planned on bringing it out on Saturday. Saturday morning the Mountie showed up and said lets's go fishing. No calf that day, Sunday they knew the Mountie would have to go to church with his wife, the plan was to bring the calf out Sunday after fishing, one-thirty that afternoon the Mountie showed up to fish again. On Monday morning Bill called the Mountie and asked if he was going to work that day. The answer was yes, but just to be sure Bill told the Mountie his snowmobile was broke down and asked if he could borrow his for the day. The Mountie said: "Sure Bill, anytime!"

We were at a Toastmaster's fun night and Al said, "Paul, You tell a story and then I'll tell a true story." Al said the first thing his brother Art wanted to do when he got back from Korea was to go hunting. There was a problem though, no transportation, Al had a friend with a car and talked Art into letting him come along. Jim drove up the Cabot trail, back in the days before guard rails . They arrived at Art's favourite spot and started along the trail into the woods. Jim, who owned the car was talking and Art told Al to tell him to shut up, they were hunting! The next time Jim opened his mouth, Art pointed his rifle around Al and at Jim, then said, shut up or I'll shoot you. As they came to the edge of a meadow, there was a large buck and a doe. Art up and shot the buck, the doe ran over the hill. Art then said Al was to come with him and Jim was to stay there and watch to see if the doe came back. Art and Al were dressing the buck when they heard a commotion up in the field, they rushed up to see Jim having an epileptic fit . Al grabbed a stick and tried to place it between Jim's teeth. He then tried to hold Jim and comfort him. At one point Art said, pushing Al aside with the rifle barrel again, "Here, let me put him out of his misery." The fit subsided, they dressed the deer and got it out to the car. Art drove back to Sydney and when Jim tried to tell him how to drive , Art told him to shut up or he would tie him on the other fender, for the trip home.

I'm looking for a lady who owns a boat, motor and trailer for possible relationship, you must love to fish, can bait your own hook and able to cook our catch. I own a four -wheel drive and an all- terrain-vehicle ,both with hitches, and my balls are an inch and seven-eights in diameter!

PS: Please send photograph of boat, motor and trailer

Yippee, I have been finally selected for the Moose draw, after only 30 or more years of applying, I used to apply when you could still hunt moose on the mainland. So, come along with me on a virtual moose hunt in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. I applied in the spring of 2007 as I have for thirty years. I studied the odds by reviewing who applied for what area and what season.
The Natural Resources website, tells you how many applied in the past, for what season ,and for what area, I studied the odds and applied for the first week in area 3, I was picked, did my study of the odds pay off? Yes! Was it just luck ?, who knows.

A person has two choices once your name is picked, you can go moose hunting by yourself and if you are lucky enough to score , then the work starts, one man cannot drag a moose out of the woods, and transport it home. Second best is the best, your allowed two other hunters along with your tag and if one of them harvest the moose first , your hunt is ended. All three hunters must stay within shouting distance of each other. No matter who harvests the moose, for purposes of this narration , it will until the end, be referred to as "my moose"! I have shot moose before , in another province, so I don't care who shoots my moose, I will be accompanied by Brian & Brent , from Chester. Brent will hunt with his bow, I would like nothing better than to see him get my moose with an arrow, Brent has shot many deer with a bow, I have shot a few deer with bow. I mentioned I had been drawn ,sitting at the table in the legion ,and Brian said he would like to go, I asked who else he would suggest, he immediately said, brother Brent, he owns a truck! And Brian cooks, so I've covered all bases. Our guide is a good friend of Brians. Accomodations, ATV's are covered. We only have to take groceries and libations.
There are many horror stories of people who go , get their moose and then the meat spoils because they try to do it themselves. You do not haul a moose out of the woods by the antlers. (Go elsewhere on this blog and read the joke about Jim Flynn dragging a deer the wrong way.)
All arrangements for getting the animal out of the swamp, transporting it home in a cooler, etc. should be made long before you harvest the animal. The moose tags arrived in the mail today, everyone asks me how excited I am, I tell them I'm not ! Only because I have shot a moose before, Brian has been hunting with the same guide for years, and I fully understand that a successful hunting trip doesn't necessarily mean harvesting a animal. I have went on Spring bear hunting trips often, while my companions and once my wife have got a bear ,I have yet to have one come to my bait. Those hunts were successful in that I shared the elation of my friends, the company of the guides and the wonderful meals at the lodges. We will soon be going to the range to sight in our rifles, just a fun day, because I hope Brent harvests " my moose" with his bow and arrow. I told you I have applied for more than 30 years for this hunt. I have "friends" who have got their permit, gone to Cape Breton early, drank so much they didn't even get out to hunt and then come home early because everyone was sick. I told my "friend", that makes me sick, a wasted tag.
September 17th, we went to the rifle range to sight in all rifles, why?,if we are going to get it with a bow and arrow? Oh well, the scopes are all set, just in case Brent needs back-up. Brent tells me he can practice with the bow every Wednesday evening at the Captain Kidd Rod & Gun, I hope he is there now ,as I write this.
We also got the fish box that evening, cleaned it all up and will fill it with ice from the fish plant before we leave. I'm telling you, we are prepared! Brent stated he had the haddock and scallops already and Brian is to take care of getting the lobster, I can smell the Chester chowder now, goes well with the Lunenburg County wine I plan to take. We're off, the Sunday drive to North River is great, many a story was told on the drive ,but Brent topped them all with his story about being bit on the dick by a Black Widow spider while working in the California oil fields, lunch at Mother Webb's was wonderful, five hours, two stop's for Tims' and we were settling into the trailer, to be our home for a week. We are not the only group with a fish box, but the only one with chipped ice from the fish plant, one other group has got a fish box full of frozen water in ice cream containers. We meet our guides, Darren Barron, Mike Cann, Mike MacEachern, Jim/Linda Powers,, we are introduced to the electronic calls, remote controlled and can imitate any type of moose call or the call of any other animal in the Nova Scotia woods, very impressive.
Our main guides were the two Mikes, they showed us video of three moose they had previously seen on the powerline, and we were settled on that powerline when the sun rose on Monday morning . The tramp in was a little exausting for this senior citizen. Monday evening we changed venues and went to 'the pond', moose seen here earlier in the week also. The hours spent calling and waiting are very special, watching deer jays, blue jays, kingfishers, beaver, ducks and just listening for that answer to our continous calling. Brent also hunted many afternoons while Brian and I rested for the evening hunt. The older Mike had to return to his business in North Sydney, then we hunted with the younger Mike, I had someone new to relate all my many stories and jokes to, I had exausted Mike senior with them on Monday and Tuesday. Young Mike had stories of his own, and became very good at repeating some of my jokes when we returned to the trailer. The Chester chowder lasted for two days then we visited Jim and Linda a few evenings, they live in Paradise, a cottage on the North River. One evening Linda barbequed mackeral in tinfoil with all the fixings, naturally washed down with Keith's, lots of Keith's. Another evening she served colossal cheeseburgers, we thought that was supper, but no, a little later she served up steak with onions and mushrooms, we all said, we already ate, but somehow found room for more. One night, Darren's stepdaughter Rebecca, whipped up some hot dogs, baloney and cheese and another night fried chicken, we did not starve. Far from it!
Daren had six clients booked for the week ,including us, by Saturday morning five of them
had their moose and had gone home, Saturday evening seen a special effort to satisfy the sixth client. Young Mike and I had just settled in to call for the last hour of the evening , when he spied a bull ,two-hundred yards away. At first I could not see the animal, but a little movement finally had me looking at a fine bull. I like to think of myself as a seasoned hunter and not a bad shot, but I think I let the excitement get to me, I rested against a sturdy birch and decided to fire, the first shot missed, the second shot, the bull went down, I turned to Mike to say I got him! What a mistake, Mike pointed, the animal got up and ran away. We both seen the bull fall when I shot the second time, we decided he was wounded and went looking for a blood trail. We searched for over an hour and found no evidence of blood. Darkness was coming on, we decided to go home and call game wardens to come back with us on Sunday morning. A lot of speculation accompanied our conversations on Saturday night. Sunday morning a half dozen of us met two game wardens near the previous evenings events. As we got ready to go look for a blood trail or wounded animal, young Mike again spotted an animal exactly where it was the evening before, it was a cow. Everyone except me hiked to the spot, I was still tired from all the searching the night before and lack of sleep from dreaming of a wounded bull. When the group arrived near where the cow was seen, a bull got up and ran away, the wardens immediately decided it was not wounded and would not let Brent shoot. My hunt was over, I had spoiled Darren's record, but felt good that the bull was not wounded and lying somewhere dying while we drove home. In the second paragraph of this story I state, that a successful hunt doesn't necessarily mean shooting an animal. I have always felt this way. I had a wonderful week and a successful hunt in my books, I met some nice people, went with some great companions, ate well, hunted hard and will never forget "my Moose" hunt in the Highlands!

Co-incidently, one of the game wardens who accompanied us on Sunday morning is also a guide, on Monday he took a client in, got their moose and then discovered "my moose" while hunting for the other, apparently when my moose fell it did not get up again , it was another bull that Mike and I saw running away. Two bulls in the same area caused the confusion , had we looked a little harder on Sunday morning, we would have found "my moose". The coyotes and crows in Cape Breton had a great feast that week!

I still feel it was a good week hunting, but feel disappointment at the final outcome.


PS: I must repeat a story Mike MacEachern told me on the hunt. He said his grandfather was a game warden many years ago with a sense of humour. One story Mike particularily remembers was his grandfather asking hunters he met, if their rifle was loaded, if they said no, he would ask to see the rifle and sometimes manage to get a shell in the rifle from his pocket, then he would ask the guy again, if it was loaded, the answer being no again, he would squeeze the trigger and of course the gun would fire.

One time while coon-hunting, this participant decided to bring his dog back to the truck because it had got into a skunk. Just then along came a mountie and asked what was going on. He mentioned they were from the local coon club, there were a few trucks there with Maine license plates. He went on to say they were having an International Skunk Hunt. The mountie asked what kind of dogs they used and could he see what they looked like? He took the officer to his truck, to show him his dog, as they neared, the Mountie said, "By the smell of it, you must be winning."



The VP of the coon club was asked to be best man at the President's wedding. He like to make small bets, so he said, "You know, after your married you won't be able to go hunting as much!"
"Like heck!", said the Prez, I'll go whenever I please." "OK , how about a five dollar bet?" " "Your on." ,said the Prez. During the wedding reception the VP approached the Prez and said," Let's go hunting tonight, it's full moon." the Bride said, "He isn't going hunting tonight!"
The VP said, " I guess you owe me five bucks!"

While on an Aircrew survival course in Lunenburg County,Nova Scotia, one of the kids got a fishhook stuck in his thumb in the morning and managed to cut his kneecap with a hatchet in the afternoon. They took him away to Stadacona navy hosptial in Halifax. That evening, sitting around the campfire, someone asked one of the old civilian trappers teaching the course, whether they could teach a kid like that , from the city, to get along in the woods. He said, "Well, , now ! Thar'es some people, wouldn't surviiive, if they para- chuted in-to the Dominion store park-ing lot, with three-hundred dollars in their pock-et."


CC#32

Across North America you have"Johnny on the Spot",
When you need to go, to the Johnny you trot.
Now, there's " Frankie in the Forest", have you heard?
More comfortable than a log, to get rid of "la merde"'
Out of wind and rain, a place to go!
A fancy, comfortable man-sized "po".
No more cramps in the legs, or freezing your ass,
Now, when you go in the woods, you can go with class!



CC#31 Frankie didn't like going in the woods, so we built him an outhouse with this little ditty
on the door.

I was explaining the concept of the new outdoor kitchens to an old fellow at the legion. " Jeez , he said , I liked the old days when we ate indoors and shit outdoors!"



I asked the same old fellow if he ever fished with flies, he said yep, fished with them, slept with them, worked with them, canoed with them,and ate with them.


He also told me , when he was in his twenties ,he would get so horny, he could screw the crack of dawn.

This guy was drinking in the tavern with someone who had left the town many years before , he had returned and was reminising. He said, "Your an Estabrooks, didn't you have a relative die in the woods or something when we were kids?" "Ya, that was my brother ,little Jimmy, we used to always go on a picnic, the whole family, there was fourteen of us, down near the river on Labour Day week-end. Well, late in the afternoon Jimmy told mom he had to go #2." Mom said, "Your a big boy now, he was only four, you take some kleenex and go across the brook like the big kids do." " Well, Jimmy went , and he was gone a long time before anyone noticed he was missing, in fact it was almost dark. We searched the whole night and all next day, then they took the kids out of school to help search, but we never did find him." " Then during the early hunting season, a hunter came across his body, it was down near the big swamp. The birds had eaten most of his flesh, and they even pecked his eyes out. You might say, Jimmy went for a shit and the crows got him!"

Borrowed from The Brennen Siding triology by Herb Curtis

I was camping one time years ago and the owner came along and we got to chatting. My wife mentioned mosquitoes, he stated," There isn't a single mosquitoe in my campground."
as my wife gve him a funny look, he said" No, they are all married , and have large familys."

Back in the early sixties, I drove to Buchans area to hunt. while there I asked a young lady working at the lodge if she would like to go to the drive-in theatre in Grand Falls-Windsor, she said yes. During the first movie things got pretty heated up , while we were waiting for the second movie to start, I asked her if she wanted to get into the back seat. Her answer, " No , Paul, I want to stay up here in the front seat, with you!"

A while after her husband had died, this lady decided to attend a seance to try and make contact with him. The medium did her thing and soon the woman was able to communicate with her dearly departed. She asked him what it was like on the other side. He said, " It's so wonderful here , the skys are always blue, the rivers and streams, and fields and forest, they are all so beautiful and there are white-tail does everywhere, does everywhere!" he repeated. She said, "Somehow I didn't picture any hunting in heaven?" "Who said anything about hunting or heaven." he said, " I've been re-incarnated, I'm a eight point buck in southern Saskatchewan. "




A British mother and daughter were travelling on the train in the eighteen hundreds from Quebec City, going to Victoria, B.C. As they pulled into one station, it was a hot summer day and the windows on the car were open. The mother said to her daughter, " There, that man on the platform , ask him where we are?" The daughter did as she was told. The answer from the native was ,"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." " What did he say, said the mother. The daughter said, "He doesn't speak English."

I spent some time on the DEW line, exactly 1500 miles north of Halifax, arriving in the summer, I took to walking a lot, the guys all told me to watch out for polar bears, my head was on a swivel for three months, turns out I was wasting my time looking and worrying, they don't come in off the ice until September. One day I took the garbage down to the dump in a three ton stake truck, I jumped out, dropped the tailgate and then noticed the largest bear you would ever want to see, foraging in the garbage, not twenty feet from me. I jumped back in the truck and called the guys on the CB radio to come with their cameras. The bear stood up and stared me right in the eye through the truck window. I locked the doors. I don't know what I thought he might do.


CC#31 Do bears have opposable thumbs?





I have a niece that went to Churchill with her husband in the army back in the sixties. One day she put the twin boys , Dana & Dale out to play in their snowsuits. They were soon back at the door saying doggie, doggie. She told them to go play, as she closed the door she noticed the huge polar bear not far away. No TV up there then, so they were always underfoot, they got their fresh air through an open window, a not too widely opened window.

If you are going away hunting, you have to know the difference between a dog and a fox. For me it's about five drinks!



First time I went ice-fishing, the guy next to me was hauling in smelt one after another. I approached him and said." Sir, I'm fishing right next to you and using the same bait, could you tell me why I'm not catching fish." " Y've gtto kep yur rms wm!" I said "Would you repeat that please!" " Y've gt o eep ur rms wm! I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying, He spit this glob out in his hand and said. "You've got to keep your worms warm!"




The first time my buddy and I went to a smelt tournament we didn't do too well on the fishing end of things, but we did okay at the dance, we both managed to catch some company for the night, and one smelt!


CC#30 Luckily, it was my buddy's that smelt!

I was going salmon fishing on the Margaree, when I had some car problems, I pulled into the Irving station in Margaree Forks. A young fellow came out, I said , "Are you a mechanic?"
He said, " No sir, I'm a McGinnis, did you think you knowed me."


I was hunting one day and had shot a few ducks when the game warden came along He introduced himself and then said he would have to check out my ducks. He picked up the first duck, and stuck his finger up the ducks rear-end, then passed his finger under his nose, He said, " This is a P.E.I. duck, do you have a P.E.I License? " I said," Sure." and produced one.
He picked up a second duck, stuck his finger up it's rear-end, then passed it under his nose. "This is a Newfoundland duck, do you have a Nfld License." "Sure", I said ,and showed it to him.
He did this a third time, and said this duck was from New Brunswick, did I have a N.B. licence?"
I produced that license also. "Well, " he said, "Everything seems to be in order here, by the way Sir, I've been the warden around here for a lot of years, I don't remember ever seeing you before, where are you from?" I turned around, dropped my pants and bent over. " Why don't you tell me!" I said, " You seem to be the expert."

My neighbour purchased a new gun with a variable power scope. First day of the season he had his wife make up a lunch and told her he would be gone for the day. Early on, he stepped in a brook and got one foot completly soaked. Having no extra socks, having ate his lunch ,and having seen no deer he decided to go home for dry socks. Nearing home, he saw me out in the yard and couldn't wait to show me the new scope."Have a look through that!" ,he said. " Holy Geez!, I said, " I can read your name on the mailbox, and that's got to be a half mile." "Wind it up!, he said. " Cripes, I can read the small print on your trailer license." I said. " Wind it up, wind it up", he said. "Holy mackeral!", I can see your wife sitting at the kitchen table, there's a man there with her." "What !" , he said. " Gimmee that gun!" I said, "Wait a second , they got up from the table, they're going into the bedroom, they're taking their clothes off!" " Give me that goddamn gun !" "Wait a second, wait a second." I said, as he grabbed at the rifle.
"They're getting up on the bed ." "Jesus," he exclaimed, "Your're a good shot. Shoot them! Shoot them! Shoot her in the head, and shoot his pecker off. " " Just a second, just a second", I said ,
I think I can get them with one shot!


CC#29 He told the police he shot them, he ended up with case dismissed. The locals still talk about what a great shot { he is } 'til this day.

Old hunters never die, they just lose their ammunition!
When I was in my twenties, I used to put both hands around my penis and try to bend it, I couldn't bend it all! Then in my late fifties, ,I found I could bend it a little bit. Now that I'm approaching 66, I can bend it all most forty-five degrees. "Getting stonger , aren't I!

Did you know you can purchase camoflauge condoms, no one knows when your're coming!



When they first brought in manditory hunter orange vests and hats in Nova Scotia, the Chief Game Warden , Casey, explained to us hunters that it was a special cloth that had to be worn, not just any old orange, hunter orange was defined " as having a dominent wavelength between 595 and 605 (nanometers,) a luminance factor of not less than 40 % and an excitation purity of not less than 85%. " He also went on to say that the game wardens would carry a small sample to compare to all hunter's vests to see if they had the right vests or hats. I could just picture it, the game warden held up his sample, it didn't match with your vest and just before he wrote out your ticket, he said " Nano, Nano!"

CC#28 Two Crawford originals.

Billy took five mainlanders from Shearwater to hunt with his uncle for a week in Cape Breton.
After the long drive to C.B. they finally arrived at his uncles farm. Billy got out of the car with a bottle of rum and told the boys to stretch their legs while he went in to see his uncle. Uncle was glad to see Billy and very much looked forward to the week with his navy friends and especially to the groceries and liquor they had. Billy found a couple of glasses and poured Uncle a shot. Meanwhile the guys were outside scratching the old horses neck, over the fence. After another shot of rum, Uncle asked Billy a favour. " While you're here Billy, you and the boys could do something for me! The old horse is on her last legs, one day this week maybe you could shoot her for me and bury her." " No problem," said Billy. After another shot of rum Billy got a bright idea. "Litsen Uncle," he said, " Let's you and I have some fun with my friends. I"ll go out right now, get my gun and shoot the horse, as soon as you hear the shot, you come out shaking your fist,angry as hell." Billy went out, telling his friend to open the trunk! He started getting his gun out and loading it. His buddys were all talking at the same time. " What are you doing Billy?" What the hell is going on, Billy?" Billy said, " I can't believe it, the old buger doen't want us hunting on his land, he's become a Bambi lover in his old age." " What are you doing, Billy?"
Billy aimed the gun and shot the horse. Uncle came running out on cue, shouting and hollering."
The five friends jumped in the car and sped down the laneway to the highway. Billy and uncle, were laughing themselves silly. They went in the house and laughed some more while pouring another drink. "That was a good one ," uncle said, "but your buddys are gone Billy."
"Come on," Billy said. They got into Uncle's truck and drove to the nearest motel. Before the boys checked in, Billy and Uncle told them the joke.


CC#28 I was telling this story in the tavern one day, and someone at the table, said that was not a true story, a guy got up from another table, he said ,I was listening and believe me, it's true, I was one of Billy's friends.

The one and only time I went to Africa to hunt,I ended up having pygmies for guides, also they lived in an area that was all very tall grass. I managed to get the animals I wanted, but how I don't know? These people were small but very, very proud. As we travelled through the savannah, they were constantly jumping up and down, saying,"We're the Fakowi !, We're the Fakowi!"

CC#27 I'm thinking of suing Fugawi Canada Maps TM. www.fugawi.com

Five of us at work hunted from the same camp, Frankie was the only one who had never shot a deer.
We would arrive at his house early in the morning, he was never ready, we waited, and we waited. One morning on the way to camp I said, "Frankie, your bored with hunting arn't you?"
He said , "No." I said " Yes you are and I want to ask you a question." "What's that? " " What's the chance of you walking through the woods this afternoon and meeting a beautiful redhead and she says, Hi, big boy , would you like to come up to my camp?" "Not very likely," says Frankie,
I said, " Well, that's the same chance you have of getting your first deer if you are laying home in bed."

CC#26 Frankie shot his first deer a few days later and was always waiting at the door when we arrived after that.

After hearing my gunhunter/bowhunter story (Read CC#24 below first!) , An aquaintance named Chris couldn't wait until the next deer season to have his own fun. Then he couldn't wait to tell me the results. He took a friend with him hunting, a co-worker who had never hunted before. On the second day, Chris shot a doe. He called for his friend Bill, to come quick. When Bill arrived on the scene, Chris asked him to help him position the doe's rear-end, then Chris dropped his pants. "What are you doing?" said Bill. "I'm going to diddle the deer." said Chris. " Your a goddamn pervert." exclaimed Bill. "Your a pervert Chris, a goddamn pervert." Chris said, " Look, now you made me lose my hard-on, hold the deer!" Bill, grabbed his gun and started running, " Your're a pervert", he shouted as he ran towards the camp. Chris laughed and laughed . When he finished dressing the deer and dragged it back to camp,he shouted for Bill to come help him as he got nearer. Then ,he noticed the truck was gone, they had come to hunt in Bill's truck so Chris was stuck at the camp fifty miles from home, he had to call his father, tell him the story and ask him to please come and drive him and his doe home.


CC#25 I understand Bill hasn't hunted since that day.

I was up in my tree stand waiting for the big buck, when a doe came into view, as she neared, a gunhunter shot her. I watched this guy approach and then saw him drop his pants, trying to manouver the doe's rear end around. I burst out laughing, he jumped, pulled up his pants and looked up at me. "I didn't see you up there !", he said, "Jesus, your not going to tell anyone about this ,are you?" " You have to be kidding," I said, "I never seen anything like this in all my years of hunting, I can't wait to get back to camp and tell the boys this one." He grabbed his gun and pointed it up at me, all I had was my bow and arrow. "Come on down out of that tree right now." he said. When I reached the ground he said, " Didn't you ever want to do it to a nice warm doe?" " Well, I may have thought about it."I said, "But , I would never do it!" He cocked the rifle and said, "Thinking time's over, you do it, or I'll shoot you!" It wasn't all that bad an experience, and at least I got to go first!


CC # 24 I never did tell the boys, until now!



These stories remind me of all those ads in the hunting magazines when I was an adolescent, in great big bold type, they would say: "Learn how to mount all types of animals!"

Can't read a map? can't afford a GPS? Use a tried and true method, follow a porcupine or raccoon, they will always take you to the Trans Canada Highway.

This guy was working in a sawmill when he got injured, they rushed him to the hospital. ,After he got treated , he telephoned his wife. "I just called dear, to tell you that I cut a finger off at work today." She said, "Oh, My God, your whole finger?" "No, no, the one next to it!" he said.

CC # 24 PDWC


My wife and I were rushing up to the hunting camp on a Friday evening when all of a sudden we came upon the mounties and game wardens doing a road check. Neither of us had our seat belts on but because she was driving I was able to get mine on before an officer approached us. She rolled down the window and the mountie said, " Is there some reason your not wearing your seat belt, ma'am?" Before she could get a word out, I leaned toward the window and said "Officer! I'm always telling her she should wear her seat belt, but she won't pay attention to me." The officer laughed a little, then said he would just warn her this time.

CC#25 Yes, we are divorced!

My friend Paul and I were hunting near St. Peter's Cape Breton when an awful Nor'Easter came up late in the afternoon, we decided to hold out as long as possible and continued to hunt. Just before dark, the winds were really high and blowing snow right into our faces as we headed back to the truck and camper. The snow piled up fast and impeded our travel. Between the wind and deep snow, we weren't making much headway. Off to the right I saw a light once in a while through the blowing snow. I suggested we make our way toward it, it turned out to be a farmhouse. We knocked on the door and a nice looking lady answered. She immediately seen our dilemna and invited us in. Getting out of that roaring wind was wonderful and then the smells coming from the kitchen were even more wonderful. We explained what happened and where our vehicle was. She insisted we stay for supper, she told us her late husband loved to hunt and more than a few stormy evenings she had awaited his return.
Supper was superb, then dessert in the living room followed. She insisted we stay the night, with the warmth, full bellies and the TV glowing we weren't in the mood to argue. After a while I must have dozed off on the coach. The next thing I knew, Paul was arranging my legs on the sofa, an she was putting a pillow under my head, along with a blanket over me.
The next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon, and the voices of the other Paul and our hostess in the kitchen. By the time I washed up, breakfast was ready. We had a liesurely coffee, then headed out in two feet of snow for our truck. More than once on the way home to Halifax, I commented on how wonderful that lady was. Paul said he couldn't agree more.
Just about nine months after that hunt ,I received a letter from a law office in Port Hawkesbury, I couldn't make heads or tails of this letter. Then it struck me, I telephoned the other Paul.
I said, "Remember that widow that took us in last year near St. Peter's?" He said, "Yes.", he remembered. "Tell me", I said, "That night after I fell asleep on the sofa, you didn't by any chance make your way upstairs with her, did you?" "I May have!" he answered. " And by any chance did you tell her your name was Paul Crawford instead of Paul Anderson?" "Well, I figured you were single and I was married, so it wouldn't do any harm." "Did you ever go see her again?," I asked. "Just a couple of times during the summer ." he said. "That explains this letter from a lawyer in Cape Breton." I said. "What letters that ? " he inquired. "Well, it seems she died, she left me the deed to the farm, $10,000 dollars in the bank and a 1977 Ford station wagon!"

CC#6 First heard this related by Hugh F. at a wildlife banquet. His "good" friend was Joe.

When I first went to Newfoundland in 1962 my army friend Doug promised we would go moose hunting. He said he hunted moose a little differently,no guns, all we needed was our knives.
We hiked for hours to Red Indian Lake, he picked two trees, he got up one and sent me up the other. He said the moose would meander right between these two trees, and we would both jump on his back. Sure enough, along came a big one, the largest set of antlers I had ever seen.
"Now!" , he said, "Jump!" The surprised moose took off at high speed, hang on said Doug.
We each hung on to one side of the antlers, it was a wild ride and Doug could not let go to get his knife. We soon came upon a sawmill, Doug said he had a better idea, we would steer that moose right up the ramp and saw him in half. Pull hard on your side he said. Sure enough we run him right up the center, only problem was, in the process, Doug's head got cut off. There it was rolling around in the sawdust. Luckily some of the men working there knew first-aid and we were able to get Doug's head back on and then packed it all around with snow. We got Doug in a truck and headed for the hospital forty miles away. On the way I asked Doug how he was doing, but instructed him not to shake his head when answering, he gave me a thumbs up, his vocal cords must have been damaged . We were only ten miles from the town when we ran out of gas. Not to worry, the millworker said, I know everybody, we can get some gas right here in this house, he's a friend of mine. We went to the door, no one answered, so we stepped in calling the owner's name. He must be in the barn, said our driver. There was a warm pot of wonderful smelling beans on the stove, and Doug started pointing to them. He loved baked beans. Our friend said ,I'll go to the barn and gas up the truck, help yourself to the beans, so we did.
Doug had a big smile as he gobbled those beans, but then I noticed the snow melting around his neck. I told him he had to stop eating and we had to get out of that warm house. He kept shovelling the beans into his mouth, the odd bean dropped out of the cut on his neck where the snow had melted. Just then the door opened ,Doug turned around to see and didn't his head fall off. His head rolled onto the table, rolled off the table, rolled across the floor, the steel point of the poker was sticking out by the fireplace, his head hit the poker right smack on the temple, it killed him , stone dead.

CC#23 Paul Crawford

My sister lived with a Czechoslovakian man in the backwoods of Ontario, I loved visiting there, they had no electricity, he trapped for a living and the animals were abundant. Often in the evening after supper Steve would take me for a walk to observe beavers, moose or bears. One evening we were watching bears when one bear charged us , this bear was so large he swallowed Steve whole. I ran for the lodge, screaming for Joan to grab a gun, a bear swallowed Steve I shouted. When we got back to the area, the family of bears were still there. "Which one swallowed Steve?", my sister asked, I pointed to a particular bear and said I thought it was that one, the large male. She raised the rifle ,aimed and shot the female, the others ran off, then she
quickly cut open the bear and and released Steve, he was OK, just needed a bath, he smelled awful. While Steve was bathing in the laundry tub, I asked my sister, " I told you I thought it was the bigger bear that swallowed Steve, but you decided to shoot the female and you turned out to be right, why did you ignore my directions? " Paul, I learned many ,many years ago to never trust a Crawford, especially when they say , the Czech is in the male!"

CC#22 First heard at a Toastmasters Tall Tales contest. Paul(never to be trusted)Crawford.

A few years after Canada chose to join Newfoundland, a mountie from the mainland was posted to Badger. The mountie he relieved had been a Nfld Ranger prior to the joyful union in 1949.The old mountie briefed his relief about the area , including information about Joe, a gentleman of native descent. Joe had many children and hunted and fished when he pleased to feed his large family. The main point of the brief, was that the mounties didn't usually bother Joe because of the many mouths he had to feed. After he was there about six months the new mountie began to hear other stories about Joe. Stories that suggested Joe was selling moose meat to the miners in Buchans. So out he drove to Millertown Jct. to speak to Joe. When he arrived, there was Joe just coming across the lake in a canoe, with a gun in the bow. No hunting seasons were open at that time. The mountie helped him pull the canoe up and introduced himself. Then he told Joe about his suspicions and that he was there to tell him it should stop, he went on to say that if he ever caught Joe with meat out of season or selling it, he would arrest him. He asked if Joe understood, Joe said he did, and invited the mountie to have a cup of tea. After a long chat, the mountie said he had to leave, he still had to go to Buchans that day. Joe asked if it was possible to get a ride into Buchans. The mountie said OK. On the way in, the mountie once again warned Joe of the consequences if he was to break the law. Joe indicated again that he understood. Then the mountie said, "Joe, I have a question, you don't own a telephone or car, so if you did want to get into town to let them know you had meat available, I don't understand how you do it!" Joe said, "Ah, that's no problem, sometimes I goes in with the priest, sometimes I goes in with the nurse, and other times I goes in with the mountie!"

CC#21 First heard in Buchans on a visit in 1962. PaulDWC

Whenever we went hunting or fishing we always had breakfast at the same place for years.
Whether I had pancakes or eggs I always had my bowl of corn flakes first. All the waitresses got to know this, so one morning one of the waitresses thought she would have a little fun with me. She had put a line through corn flakes on the menu, as she placed it in front of me, then said, "Paul, I just had to scratch something you really like!" I said, "Good, now how about washing your hands and bringing me a bowl of corn flakes."

CC #19 Paul Crawford



I was going hunting one day and decided to take a short cut, I didn't see the farmer's bull anywhere so thought I could get to my stand earlier if I crossed the field. Over the fence I went, all of a sudden there was the bull coming. I ran for the nearest tree. It was a big old apple tree and I made it up just in time. The bull was so angry, he began butting the tree for all he was worth. He butted, and he butted, finally I made up my mind I would shoot him. I got the gun loaded and took aim. Just then I heard a growl above me, I looked up and there was a bear futher up the tree. Well, now I had a dilemma, I had found only one shell in my pocket, must have lost the rest running. One bullet and I had to decide whether to shoot the bull, or shoot the bear. I thought about it for a few moments and shot the bear. It wasn't a hard decision, as you
all know, you can "shoot the bull" anytime.

CC#20 Paul Crawford

As soon as I sit in my eye doctor's chair, we usually discuss some aspect of fishing or hunting. One day I started the conversation by mentioning the newspaper headlines where a doctor in Boston had revived a solidly frozen child in warm water, brought him back to life and he had no brain damage or tissue damage. My doctor quickly told me this wouldn't be news to him, because when he was a kid growing up in Newfoundland, more than once he had taken trout, caught through the ice, and thrown on the ice early in the morning, and then when he went home in the evening, fish presumed dead, were revived when put in warm water to clean in the sink.

He went on to describe how he baited his hook for ice fishing, on the way to the pond he would shoot a Blue Jay or two with his .22, and use the innards for bait, then save the feathers to be combined with a bit of tinsel from a cigarette package in the Spring for a great trout fly.

CC#18 These are facts, nothing fishy about them.

When I had a column in Wilderness Trails & Tales, the editor/owner gave me magnetic signs for the paper and I slapped them on my sporty, 77, two-door, Buick LeSabre. One Friday when I arrived at the Fredericton Motel to attend the rule reading and breifing for the next days bass tournament, Greg introduced me to the sports writer for a New Brunswick paper. She was a real looker. She was shadowing Greg and us other officials through a complete two day bass tournament to write about it later. A little later in the evening she saw my car, with the signs and assumed it belonged to Greg, she was outspoken and told Greg she thought those signs were a bit tacky on such a nice car. I was present at the time and Greg told her it wasn't his car, but mine. She turned a little red, and apoligized to me. I tried to look a little hurt,and told her I would get her back for that one.,just joking. Most of the evening, most of the males swarmed around this lady.
About four-thirty in the morning I left my motel room, a bit hungover,to get to the tournament that began at Sunrise. As I got to my car, I realized I had locked the keys inside, the previous evening. I was still cursing myself, when along came the sexy sportswriter. I told her my dilemma , and she offered me a drive to Mactaquac. She apoligized again ,more than once ,on the way to the Marina , I joked again and said I'll figure a way to get you back. She laughed. We arrived just as the Sun came over the horizon, she pulled up right in front of the half dozen or so officials, my buddys. Before we got out of the car, I told her,"" I think I got you!", She said, "What do you mean?" I answered, " By the smirks on their faces, I can tell, these guys think you and I slept together last night!"

CC #17 True story by yours truly!

Many years ago when men worked in the woods for months on end, sometimes it happened that the cook would have to leave for family matters , injury or illness. If this happened often the foreman or camp owner would choose another man they knew had some cooking talent. This happened at one particular camp, the person chosen said he didn't want to be cook, but the foreman gave him a choice, cook or quit. He chose to cook, when the complaints started he again informed the boss he did not want to cook. The boss stated in front of the whole camp at one meal, that the next man to complain about the food in any way would be appointed cook.
The very next day the cook made apple pies with horse manure in one of them. At lunch the next day, ( remember, this is back when men were men, and each could consume a whole apple pie at a sitting) the guy who got the tainted pie exclaimed! " This pie tastes like horseshit!"
Then he remembered the penalty and said , " But , it tastes good, it tastes real good!"

CC#15 A maritime tale.





This lady from Mt. Uniacke in her nineties was being interviewed about the days when she worked cooking at woods camps in Nova Scotia. She told how in some camps it was forbidden to talk during meals, because any complaint about the food might upset a relative or friend of the cook and fighting could break out. If there was any complaints or fighting, it was to be taken outside, the owner didn't want any damage to his cookhouse. Just before she finished the radio interview, she told the interviewer that it just entered her mind that maybe she wasn't that good a cook after all! He said," Why would you say something like that?" " Well", she said, " This interview just reminded me, that all those men, that I used to cook for, are dead!"

CC#16 Heard on CBC Radio

We were sitting around on a rainy day in the hunting camp bragging about who was the better lover, one guy said when he finished making love to his wife , he scattered rose petals all over her body and gently blew them off. He said that drove her crazy. The next guy said after making love to his wife, he poured wine all over her body and slowly licked it off, he said, that just drove her crazy. I said, "Aw, that's nothing, guys, when I finishes diddlin' my wife, I get up and cleans my "ting" on the curtains! You think that don't drive her nuts!"

CC#14 origin unknown.

I was a sonar operator on Sea King helicopters in the Canadian Navy, one day the pilots spotted a pod of whales, decided to hover and I put the sonar ball in the water. The sound of whales communicating is very interesting to say the least. Quite a while later, during another dip as we called it, one pilot asked me if I still had those whales on there. I told him yes, and then related a story I had recently read ,that said whales can possibly communicate thousands of miles apart if they are both in the same temperature gradient. I told him to turn on his sonar audio switch, if he wanted to still hear them. He then asked me what I thought they might be saying. I told him I knew exactly what they were saying!" He said, "What's that Paul ?" I told him they were saying, " Can you still hear meeeeeeeeeeeee!!"

CC#13 An original by yours truly

I was out in a boat duck hunting with a guy who said he wanted me to see his new dog perform. I shot a duck and he sent the dog to retrieve it, the dog walked across the top of the water and walked back with the duck. Later I shot another duck and he sent his dog walking across the top to the water to retreive it. After this second performance, he turned to me smiling and asked. " What do you think of that dog, Paul?" I answered, " Good retreiver, but when are you going to teach him to swim!"

CC#12 - One of Jimmy Flynn's jokes!

I took my son rabbit hunting for the first time ,when he was around twelve years old, it was one of the coldest days in February. He said he needed to pee, so I said just go over there and I sat down to have a smoke. He went over, dug through snowmobile suit, through his pants, through his pajamas, and through his shorts and eventually found his dick, a few seconds later, he said, "Dad , I think my penis is frozen." I wasn't thinking and I said, "Just rub it a little, warm it up."
I didn't realize he had just had his first erection! Later, I said jokeing around, " How did you make out with your frozen penis, son? " He said, "Dad, It felt some good when the frost came out!"

CC#11 - My son emphatically denies this ever happened.

This guy went bear hunting with a bow & arrow, he fired at a bear and missed, the bear ran away, he couldn't believe he missed, he stood there staring, eventually the bear came up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder, told him to take down his pants, they were going to have sex . A week later the hunter came back with his shotgun, again he shot at the bear and missed, he stood staring, again the bear tapped him on the shoulder and told him to drop his pants. Next week he came back with a high powered rifle, shot again, missed again, felt the tap on his shoulder again, and dropped his pants. Then he came back with a bazooka, shot, missed, stared and shook his head, before he felt the expected tap on the shoulder he turned around and saw the bear,she was leaning up against a tree, filing her nails and smiling, then she said, "Let's be honest big boy, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

CC#10 Related by Cowboy Mark, resides in Chester, immigrated from Tronna!

I first met Jimmy Flynn in the woods in Nova Scotia , just after he had shot his first deer. It was a nice eight pointer and he and his friend were estatic. They had shot many moose in Newfoundland growing up, but this was their first whitetail. They were dragging the deer by the hind legs. Now , you just don't drag a moose, so it was easy to understand their mistake. I explained to them that the deer would drag much easier if they dragged it by the antlers. That's the way us mainlanders did it. Years later Jimmy and I were discussing that first encounter, and he told me what transpired after I left them. They were taking lots of breaks and getting very tired dragging the deer.
During one break, Jimmy's friend said , " Jim, I think that mainlander was having fun with us!"
Jimmy said, " Why do you say that?" " Well, think about it, Jim, I know it drags much easier this way, but we keep getting further and further from the truck."

CC#9 One of Jimmy's own jokes, revised.

These guys were sitting around bragging about their hunting. One guy said he didn't need any high powered rifle, he had shot deer and moose and black bear with a 22 caliber, the next said he hunted with a bow and arrow, I told them I hunted with a club! They said, " Aren't you afraid to hunt with a club?" I said, " What's to be scared of, there's over twenty guys in my club."

CC#6 The first groaner, origin unknown.





Joe's daughter came to visit, he had a big circular driveway and many pheasants on his property. On entering the house his daughter told him she hit one of the pheasants while driving up, but couldn't find it. That's OK , he said. Next time she visited Joe told her he seen the pheasant she hit, and it was fine. She said, "Oh, Dad, how would you know it was the same pheasant?" " That was easy!" he said, "It had a dent in it's side!"

CC#7 I heard this from Joe Casey, MLA for Digby area at a wildlife dinner.







When the geese fly down south in their famous "V" formation, it seems that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other. Why is that? If you are an outfitter and don't know the answer to this one, I ain't going goose hunting with you.

CC#8 I have asked outfitters this question, most don't know.

One summer in New Brunswick I was an official at a bass tournament. One of the rules was you
couldn't go ashore for any reason unless you first asked one of the officials putt-putting around the lake. These two guys asked Greg and I if they could go ashore to have a pee. We said sure, and away they went, we circled around that area for a long time, making sure they didn't bring back any hidden fish, etc. After a very long time I got Greg to put me ashore to check on them, I gave a few shouts and no answer, about a hundreds yards in the woods I came upon one guy humping the other up the rearend over a log. I said "What's going on here?" The humper answered me, as the humpee remained hanging over the log. " It was awful," he said, while my partner was pissing he fell over with a heart attack, so I had to give him artificial respiration." "That's not how you give artificial respiration ." I said," You give it mouth to mouth!" " I know that!", he said, " How the hell do you think this got started?"

CC#4 Paul Crawford







Speaking of fishing and peeing, the Ontario Red Cross Water Safety people published some statistics saying , on average, a half dozen fishermen fall out of the boat and drown in Ontario every year in the first two weeks of the season. The article went on to say, when their bodies were found, inevitably, they had no life jacket on and their fly was down. I would venture to guess this would never happen in the Maritimes, I don't know any Maritimer that would stand up in a boat and masturbate, without a lifejacket!

CC#5 Paul Crawford takes full responsibility for originating this joke.

My neighbour used to keep rabbits in a cage, I owned a black Lab for hunting, I often had the dog in the backyard teaching him to retreive from the lake. If I didn't pay close attention sometimes he would get through the fence into my neighbour's yard. Buck asked me to please keep my dog away from his rabbit cage, it scared them. I promised to do so. One day I forgot and while cutting the grass Shadow came back with a dead rabbit in his mouth. As I took the rabbit from his mouth I noticed the cage door opened. No other rabbits were in the cage and none were in sight. I sat for a long while with Shadow's latest retrieve and wondered what I would tell Buck when he came home. After a coffee , I had a devious idea. I took the rabbit in the basement, washed it up in the laundry tub, dried it with the wife's hairdryer, fluffed it up and put it back in the cage and hooked the latch . When Buck came home, I was raking the grass clippings and saw him at the cage shaking his head. "How ya doing," I said , "Good!" Buck said.
"How's your rabbits?", I asked. "Boy, I don't understand this!" was his reply. "Don't understand what?" I enquired. " Well, before I left for work this morning, I noticed my last rabbit was dead in his cage, so I buried him over there by the shed, and now he's back in the cage with the door latched."

CC#3 - Paul Crawford

This is a true story about my buddy Bob: Years ago the first day of hunting season in Nova Scotia was always the 1st day of November, so Bob and a friend Ray purchased a sheep, shot it and hung it over one fender of his red Volvo, then they purchased a pig, and placed it on the other fender. At exactly 10 am when the Fo'c's'le Tavern in Chester opened they drove up, parked their car and went into the tavern. It was not too long before the Mounties showed up and asked Bob and Ray to come outside, small town, they knew everyone's car. The mountie asked Bob the purpose of a pig and a sheep on their car. With a straight face they produced their hunting licenses and stated it was the first day of hunting season. The mounties did laugh and then asked them to please take the animals home. Bob inquired as to whether there was a law against having a pig & sheep on their car. The mounties said , no, not that they were aware of!
Bob an Ray went back into the tavern and stayed for a long , long lunch, and then took home their game. CC #2 (origin- my Buddy Bob and his Buddy Ray of Chester N.S.)

A mother bear was having a chat with her cubs. The first little cubby said when she grew up, she wanted to find a father bear and have cubbies just like her mother. Mother bear said, "that's nice." The second cubby said the same, when she grew up she wanted to find a father bear and have cubbies. Again her mother said,"That's nice."

The third little cubby said when he grew up he wanted to be just like mother and find a father bear and have cubbies. Mother bear said, "I'm sorry, but you can't have cubbies like your sisters." He asked why? . Mother bear answered, " because you don't have a cubby hole."
CC #1 (origin - My Buddy Bob living in Comox, B.C.)

The most fun I ever had was traveling with Jimmy Flynn, I collected the best stories , Jimmy would get the audience to come up on stage and tell their own jokes or stories, once in a while he would take a break and let me tell a few. I was selling subscriptions to EW&W magazine, and during the evening Jimmy would tell the audience to go down and buy a (prescription) to the magazine and they did. But the best "prescription "in my mind was Jimmy's joke books and videos, and of course, his performance. Laughter is the best medicine!. In my travels one thing always stood out, the humourous stories connected with hunting or working in the woods and the many fishy facts related with a straight face. This blog will be my way of continuing to collect your stories, relate many of mine, and most important, share a laugh.

If you post a humerous story or joke please relate whether it true or where you first heard it, include your name and location if you wish.

This blog is my latest adventure, lets you and I go hunting humour & finding fishing funnies,
and sometimes we will let the facts get in the way.

Paul D W C